May 24, 2020
Simply Manda

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5/24/2020

I haven’t wrote on this site or even visited for a while but here I am. I don’t know why I never am consistence with this but I’m going to try to be. I start all these wonderful stories and then I just stop. Then I come back and start all over and then stop again. It’s like a never ending cycle one I wish I could end. Well I can end it….but i don’t. That is the part that puzzles me. I read the old post about me getting out of my safe space my bed and doing all these amazing things but I didn’t. I went right back to my bed, my mental state is still hell and my bed makes me feel safe and secure.

It’s not fair to my family, my kids, or my amazing (almost)hubby but it is where I live. Well besides when I’m at work. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that today is the day I stop hiding in my bed. That would be a lie. Today is the day I say I’m not okay and that’s okay. Though I will admit I sat down and had a long heated conversation with my hubby. One filled with tears, anger, and regret. I let all my scars open and bleed. Well not literal my scars are ones you can see. That doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. He doesn’t really understand what goes on in my head but he has been supportive. He knows my triggers and he doesn’t get upset when I am in bed till noon. Though he does try to coax me out of it. I realize now that my issues are not ones I can resolve on my own. I can’t bury my scars deep and hope they heal.

I know on the outside I seem like a strong independent women who has overcome all the pain in her past but I’m not. It’s a mask that I put on daily. Though that doesn’t really show the real me, I hid the broken parts because I feared it may be to much for some people. I am working on myself though. I got a new position at my company and that has helped my mental state a lot. This weekend I hung out with my kids, played videos games, and streamed. Stuff I used to love to do that I gave up on due my mental state. I’m working on small goals for myself. One of them being getting out of bed early. I haven’t started it yet but I plan to. I want to take baby steps.

I’ve learned its time to stop hiding on my bed, and behind my mask. I am who I am and all my broken pieces are worth loving. I will be back to update you all I can’t say when but I do plan to come back. I also plan to start a story but I don’t know what yet.

Also if you stumble on to this post hi. I don’t plan to share it on twitter or anywhere else. If someone finds this post then I hope you enjoyed reading it. ❤

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